The dummies' guide to parenting

Educator Haya Al-Hashimi talks about parenting strategies, needs of children, prepared environments and how to deal with disobedient children.

“Stop it please!” Farah said as calmly as she could to her 5 year old son Hamza.  “No mummy I want that candy!” he shouted at his mother as he began to cry and scream drawing unnecessary attention to himself and his mother.

So, what do you do as parents when you have stubborn children or children who are generally misbehaved and are not willing to follow instructions?  As a parent, it is so easy to cry in frustration not knowing where to turn for help.  Not knowing what you have done wrong and trying to raise an obedient child, is a major struggle itself.  It is a time where you yourself, as a parent are facing new challenges, struggles and changes within yourself and within your family and to top it all off your new family member does not make it easy for you.  Unfortunately, having a spoiled or disobedient child is not a temporary problem nor is it a phase that will pass.  However, in such a situation who is to blame, the child or the parent? Are children born stubborn or disobedient or is it the parenting techniques that shape the personalities of our children?

It is important to study parenting theories and try out different methods to solve a problem to see what best fits your child’s needs.  It is also important to learn about children, their needs, their sensitivities and child psychology at large.  All children are born with a love for order and with a need for internal and external order.  External order generally refers to the environment of the child as the child absorbs the order of the room.  Changing this order effects their emotional and spiritual development.  For example, a child in my school was moved from his classroom to my classroom.  His classroom had an attached hallway that led to the washrooms and there was no door between the hallway and the classroom.  My classroom had closed doors.  If a child needed to go to the washroom he was to notify a teacher and then leave the room to go to the washroom.  When this child was moved into my room he could not grasp this concept of opening the door and going to the washroom, and this made a toilet trained child have accidents and wet himself. 

Internal order is a need which arises from within a child and it mainly involves the way children are held, the way they sleep, the position of their body, bath time routines, etc.  When these things change, the child becomes disturbed and suffers emotional and spiritual distress.  The parents also suffer frustration because no matter what they do, their child will not stop crying.  In the book The Secret of Childhood, Dr. Maria Montessori gives an example of a child who had gone on a vacation with his parents and became used to sleeping in a crib.  When he was brought back, he was sleeping on the bed with his mother and due to this he was suffering severely.  Many doctors were called in, but no remedy seemed to work on the child.  One day, Dr. Montessori made a small crib on the floor out of small pillows and the child immediately rolled over on the bed, coming down onto the crib and then fell asleep.  Similarly, if you change a small thing such as the way you hold a baby during bath time, or the way the mother wears her coat while carrying her child it could distress the child and then you have a disturbed baby.

Now, how do you deal with a child who makes a big scene at a public place?  The first thing to remember is always plan ahead.  Planning ahead also includes sitting with your child before hand and preparing them for where you are going and what you will be doing.  So for example, before taking your child to the grocery store sit down with them and make a list of items that you will buy.  Remind the child that we will stick to the list and not buy anything that is not on the list.  If your child wants to add something to the list you can discuss it at home.  For example, your child says he wants to buy candy.  You can say yes we will buy one pack of candy.  Or you can show them that we have candy at home, or you can tell them that you bought candy the last time you were there and this time you would rather buy something else.  Substitute a product that the child will also like and always give reasons and explain to them why you will not buy the item.  You can also assign chores for the children to do when they are at the grocery store, so for example the child would walk into the grocery and help his mother look for an item or hold an item. 

Although we feel that children are too young to do chores, children want to get involved.  In a Montessori classroom, our children clean the tables, sweep & mop the floors, vacuum the carpet, iron clothes, set up their own lunch tables, wash and dry their dishes, wash and dry their napkins and are completely independent.  Yet, these same children refuse to pick up their toys when they are at home.  That is because your child knows that if he does not clean up after himself at home, you, the parent will automatically do it.  Whereas in the classroom, the child knows that he is not allowed to take another activity before tidying up his previous one.  Children in our classrooms enjoy doing the chores such as ironing because they are not allowed to do these things at home.  Often a parent of a child aged between 3 and 5 will wonder how their child can iron clothes.  Is there not a risk?  This is where the concept of the prepared environment comes in.  The environment that the child is in has to be prepared to meet the needs of that child.  In a prepared environment, the child should be able to do anything, touch anything without any restrictions because the environment has been prepared for the child in order to meet the needs of the child. For a task such as ironing, you would have a small child-sized ironing table, a child sized iron that doesn’t get too hot and gloves for the child incase they are scared of burning themselves.  Remember, that you as an adult are interested in the product at the end where as the child is interested in the process.  So you as an adult just want the ironed shirt, where as the child is interested in how the iron works, how it irons, and the process of ironing.

One of the common problems faced by most parents is the position of rewarding and punishing your child.  As a parent, you have to see what works for your child as long as the reward and the punishment are within its limits. Many parents use the method known as ‘the thinking chair’.  The thinking chair is supposed to be a different coloured chair in a quiet corner of the house.  When your child misbehaves you can ask them to go and sit on the thinking chair and think about what they have done wrong.  When they have realized what they did wrong and apologiz for it they are allowed to do other activities.  It is important to not leave them there for too long (2-5 minutes is usually enough) or it will loose its affect.  It is also important to not use it too constantly. Always speak to the child first and find out why they are misbehaving.  Often it may be that the child is not feeling well and this may result in bad behaviour.  There are other methods of disciplining your child such as taking away something they love to do.  It could be a consequence as simple as not being allowed to watch their favourite television show.  In order to encourage good behaviour there are a lot of visual things a parent can do.  For example, setting up a weekly chart of tasks such as bed-time routine, lunch routine, tidying up etc.  If the child completes the task he gets a simple reward sticker in that spot.  You have to tell the child that if he gets a certain amount of stickers then at the end of that week he will get a special reward. 

Dealing with children can be really difficult and frustrating. It may not only be frustrating for the parent, but it may be equally stressful on the child when the parents don’t understand his needs.  Just remember to communicate with the child before hand and inform them before the event takes place to save yourself from future embarrassments.  Set rules, be firm and follow them through.  Do not make rules and then not enforce them or else your children will not take you seriously.  Reward good behaviour and this can simply be praising words.  Always remember to appreciate your child and praise them rather than constantly putting them down.  Stay calm in difficult situations.  If your child is shouting, do not shout back at them.  Place them in a calm and quiet place and let them calm down and do a quiet activity.  Show affection towards your children so they do not fear losing you.  If you need help, do not be ashamed to ask a teacher, a child care worker, or an educator.  They are the people that are experienced and trained in this field.  Above all, have fun!  Parenting is a blessing and a time that will never come back so make lots of memories.